June 15th, 2009
|02:57 am - Drowning in Flowers|
Again and again... and again and again....
Why are my romances so tumultuous? How do other people just "date" and get together and all? Why is everything I touch a comical tragedy in five acts?
Dragon is sad, so sad. We had more days of sweet beauty, heady flights of our own little world, so romantic, so close... and then he pulled away. Okay. I questioned it. Okay. He broke apart and spilled his secrets, and then mentioned that he could see himself marrying me. That spending the rest of his life with me would be so much fun, despite our differences.
He said he was so f***cking lucky. I said that was the sweetest swear I ever heard.
Now he is sad, sad he told me his secrets, feeling weak and bad about life. It is hard for me to watch, to feel ,to not feel slighted. He says he does not want me to feel that way, that it is all just difficult. I had to explain ti him that we are all messes, we are all wrecks, and we live anyway. People can accept one another and all of the crazy they come with... I hope I got through.
His life story has played into my hands so fast and fragile I should be frightened. How did I get swept up? I am so jangled and these pins and needles hurt. But he called again to say Good Night, because he promised he would. I talked about Ophelia.
We've only been dating for three weeks.
Current Mood: Jangled Up
Current Music: Spark~ Tori Amos
June 13th, 2009
|12:50 am - KILL YOUR TELEVISION|
That's all folks. Our TV signal is gone, and we do not care. anything we love we can find online and on DVD~ news can be read~ somehow life has not changed at all.
Except for the fact that I am afraid that the mechanical hounds from Farenheit 451 will crash through the door at any minute forcing a converter box upon us. The Government will not want us to live without advertising.
Current Mood: content
June 8th, 2009
|11:43 am - The Merry Month of June|
And so begins this glorious Spring to Summer...
in the last week
* Went to Georgia. Not my first choice of journey but when you see a once in a lifetime miracle of two dear friends commiting matrimony you have to go... expense and anxieties be damned. They were pure beauty.
We flew. We freaked out. We laughed. We danced in an old southern mansion. I had to wear kicker boots with my fancy dress.
We saw Atlanta the next day. Gone With the Wind memorabilia being the best part...finding your way around a strange city with nary your wits to guide you is also a bit of a thrill. The whole trip was a last minute madness that no amount of logic dissuaded~ so glad we did it.
* Back in town, nothing concrete got accomplished for the remainder of the vacation days~ I returned to work with a Charlie-Brown letdown feeling, uncomfortable since the company was sold in my absence. I retreated to a Zen acceptance in my mind, girlish daydreams helped.
* Speaking of girlish daydreams, the catalyst flies in the form of a Dragon. Dragon and I have been in touch every day, three hour phone calls, lots of teenage text messages, casual dinner and beautiful words Wednesday, he even came down from the Bronx at 11PM Thursday night so we could have an impromtu date~ he just wanted to see me. We were at a dinner party on Friday among friends and strangers who are not sure if we are dating yet, and we want our friends to be comfortable... so we had to hold back our burgeoning giddiness... three nights in a row I saw him and each time it rained... romantic backdrop... sweet, simple words. One moment he lights up, an innocent little boy, agog at the wonder of our situation... the next moment he will say something juvenile and crude that sends my sensitive self scurrying down the rabbit hole.
"Oh, no . I think I'm getting a crush on Nelson Muntz!" We never stop being teenagers. I am very embarrassed by myself. What can I do? Life is beautiful and very stupid.
* I am attempting to re-organize my Art Portfolio; a task long overdue that leads to massive distractions... a rabbit hole full of pencils and inks, pastels and paints, charcoal shadows and billowy colors.
* Attended an Animal Rights Demo yesterday in Times Square~ great to get out in the street again, so many nice people, even the majority of the crowds and passersby were polite. You get the usual hit-and-run lame jokes and one argumentative bully, but I stood my ground and smiled through calm explanations. YES... BUYING CANADIAN SEAFOOD CONTRIBUTES TO THE CLUBBING OF BABY SEALS. Who can argue with the ultimate cuteness of BABY SEALS?
* Yesterday was Gay Pride... raucous and oh yes colorful... I was sitting on my terrace reading, when on a sudden this escaped bunch of rainbow ballons (dozens knotted in an arch "rainbow" shape) floats over my head... they went in the direction of LaGuardia~ spreading the colorful love the world over. I smiled agin at my life.
* Ten minutes later, a raindrop hit my face~ it was nearly 8PM. I looked up, and there in the sky was a True RAINBOW. Giant prism in the sky~ the fourth time in my life I have seen one, the secong biggest... so evanescent, such a gift, the rain fell harder and it vanished into the clouds.
And these are just the highlights.
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Fire to Your Plain
May 29th, 2009
|01:01 am - Formal Freakout|
Oh I should be in bed, I should have cleaned more, I should have worked on the wedding gift more, I should have researched Atlanta more, I should have made 10,982 preparations for the trip, I should work, I should get ready... I should NOT put it all off until tomorrow...
but I did. I stayed in bed with the kittens and read comics for most of the day.
My weirdest problem to solve tomorrow... what in the world can I wear to this wedding? Formal clothes I have, I am always overdressed, but normal formal? I cannot begin to look reserved, my dress shoes are my dress boots (both in super-hero and gothic variety.) I am bereft of funds but may have to fit mindless shopping into the crazy day.
Current Mood: crazy lazy
Current Music: New Tori Album!!!
May 27th, 2009
|11:50 am - Crazy Faerie|
Can anyone let on as to what exactly I am about? The more I take on in life, such learnings and doings and adventures and saving the world, the more immediately I become entangled in another romantic drama. I live to let nature take its course, but the course ever winds into unclear woods. What have I wrought, and is it worthwhile?
It would not be fair to compare it to the Scribe, rebounding as I could be. That was the first flutterings of the true force of magic after seven long years with my poor sweet lost ex-fiancee. I had spent the better part of a decade in a comitted relationship, that had years of buildup and backstory that culminated in a near-marriage. Now I am single and wiser, enjoying the freedom but such a whirl of contradictions. I am not prepared for another commitment, but I refuse to accept anyone who is not absolutely mad for me~ I cannot take it lightly but I cannot fit it in.
I feel like a teenager, flighty and selfish, fickle and insecure... restless and using paper castles to avoid my true tasks.... but it is all one and the same, is it not?
This is the stuff of life, I had an amazing memorial day, a magic warmth crept in over that Dragon and Faerie. I showed him a glimpse of my world, and he was glad of it.
Surprised by it. He is a Daniel Desario, so smart and honest and disarming while rough-edged and accidentally crass. I would not have dreamt of this in a thousand years based on our first encounters. When I told him the fictional character I related most to in this world was Lisa Simpson, he said I guess that makes me Nelson Muntz. And I laughed at the truth of it.
We know how this episode ends, right?
Current Mood: distracted
May 25th, 2009
|11:30 pm - The Faerie Princess rescued him...|
Life is all madness, again. Memorial Day at the Met Museum, then the park, the castle, the perfect sunhine, the perfect breezes, the perfect green, the perfect sunset over the pond... "Hanging out" became something more...
I think I am dating a man named Dragon.
Well, the name is perfect.
Current Mood: crazy
May 21st, 2009
|02:18 am - Travelin' Band|
Ack! We bought tickets! We are flying to Atlanta at the end of the month! Adventure!!!
Current Mood: crazy
May 14th, 2009
|01:23 am - Adventures...|
I do not know what I get up to sometimes... cramming life into these tiny things called days... I miss having hours at the computer to sit and write... oh well, just a little something for now...
Everything on the veganessentials website is fantastic, but this cookie makes me smile. CHOMP!
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: uncle john's band
May 11th, 2009
|02:29 am - Guitar Tan?|
I spent most of the day outside~ had my morning coffee on the terrace, long phone call with Mama, reading, hanging laundry, more phone calls, lunch, and three hours of guitar practice in the sun...
I came inside and got the gang outside to ride the waveboard~ rode for hours~ I am mastering turns, surprised at how much control I am gaining on the thing~ it is so much fun! It really helps to move your arms, so you end up skating and semi-rave/hippie dancing altogether.
Later we had dinner on the terrace~ such a gorgeous day, and I felt like I caught it all. Suddenly I notice my right forearm is beet red, and the underside of my left foream is markedly pink. I got a sunburn like a truck driver from playing the guitar! So ridiculous! I look so silly and off balance and it stings a bit. Guitar burn~ who knew?
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: wish you were here
May 5th, 2009
|09:32 pm - Is it Really a Trap?|
Yesterday was Star Wars Day, but I celebrate every day...